Not saying the Crowne Plaza Hotels have too much money but...

...okay, I guess that's exactly what I'm saying. I haven't stayed at too many hotels in my day. I understand that a lot of people travel quite a bit for work and getting a good nights sleep in an unfamiliar environment can be hard enough without this major problem:

The people in the room next door snoring so loud it keeps you up.
















Hmmm, I don't think I've ever quite encountered this problem, but apparently it's a big one. So big, in fact, that the Crowne Plaza Hotels are introducing "snore patrols" in their "quiet zones" that are reserved for light sleepers, and "snore absorption rooms" at a number of sites worldwide.

"Snore monitors" patrol corridors in the designated quiet zones of Crowne Plaza hotels in the cities of London, Leeds and Manchester. Their job is to listen out for offensive noises and knock on the door of guests who snore too loudly.

I see, I see. So instead of having to hear people snore and keep you up at night, instead you have to hear them snore and THEN have to hear an obnoxious knock on their door. We're making a lot of sense so far. Also, if you know a chronic snorer you know that they almost always fall back asleep and start snoring like 3 minutes later. But woaaaaahhh nelly, Crowne Plaza has already taken that into consideration:

...repeat offenders will be offered an alternative room away from the "quiet zone" for their next stay.

They are also introducing "snore absorption rooms" which are almost 100% soundproof. Hmmm, I have absolutely NO IDEA what a couple would want to do in a SOUNDPROOF hotel room...


POINT
Crowne Plaza just has way too much money. This is one of those things that comes about when one super-rich VIP writes a letter to the GM of a Crowne Plaza Hotel to complain about someone snoring next door, and to save his own ass he over-reacts and institutes something like this. Think of all the things that people do in hotel rooms that can be just as loud, if not louder, than snoring: 1) blow dryer. 2) television. 3) shower. 4) normal conversation.
















COUNTERPOINT
After 5 hours in a business meeting of hearing your CFO rip you a new one and saying that the company is going downhill and your salary is about to be cut, the last thing you want to hear is snoring at 3am.

PEACEFUL RESOLUTION
Have all the people staying at the Crowne Plaza shove money in their ears to drown out the sound, since they obviously have a lot of it.

















CONCLUSION

Snoring is caused by a partial blockage of the upper airway and affects four in 10 people in the United Kingdom, according to the British Snoring and Sleep Apnoea Association.

Good to know.

Man sues Hilton Hotel over 75 cent newspaper

The late Andy Warhol once said: "In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes."




















How right he was. I'm only 23, and don't think that I've had my 15 minutes of fame yet, unless you think that playing in a hockey game that was being aired on Cable 9, the low-budget cable network in the greater Macedonia area, or having my e-mail read by the immortal Howie Chizek of WNIR 100.1 FM includes fame.











For some people, they deserve their 15 minutes of fame. take for example Anthony Robles of Arizona State University:






















This guy was born with one leg, but that didn't stop him from being the NCAA National Champion in wrestling in the 125 pound division. He was all over ESPN and the internet and deservedly so. Safe to say he's had his 15 minutes of fame.

Others, will take very desperate and stupid measures for the specific purpose of getting their 15 minutes of fame, such as Richard Heene of Colorado:





















You might remember this guy from 2009, when he called authorities (and new$ $tation$ of cour$e) claimed that his six-year-old son Falcon (unreal name) was inside of a home-made helium balloon that was traveling at altitudes reaching 7,000 feet. The media ate it up, coverage was all over CNN, until we found out a few days later that the whole thing was made-up, only after the family was payed huge $$$$ to appear on such programs as the Today Show and Larry King Live.













Which bring us to Rodney Harmon of California. Rodney is suing the Hilton Hotels Corporation for charging him 75 cents for a copy of the USA Today newspaper that was left outside his door in the morning that he did not request. I wish I was making that up. But don't take my word for it, let's hear from his attorney, Kirk Wolden:

“Mr. Harmon and this law firm believe there is more at stake than 75 cents,” Mr. Wolden said Monday. “It exemplifies the types of advantages that, unfortunately, we see companies taking of you and I and everyone else every day.”

I'm surprised he didn't sue for an extra $500k for "pain and suffering" he endured while having to leap over the newspaper upon leaving his room.

POINT
Sorry Major League Baseball, make way for the NEW American pastime: filing a lawsuit. Now, for 95% of Americans, upon checking out of a hotel and seeing a 75 cent charge for a newspaper they didn't want or read, would have this conversation, silently in their heads:
"Hmmmmmm $120 for the room, check. $90 for mini-bar peanuts, check. $30 for room-service breakfast, check. 75 cents for a newspaper? Oh, I left that by my door, but oh well, I spend $60 a month on my 6-year old's cell phone bill, so 75 cents is no biggie."















Could this possibly go into the Guinness World Record Books as the lowest amount ever sued for ever? Probably not, but it has to be mighty close. Let's face it, Rodney Harmon was probably having a bad day or something, saw a 75 cent charge on his hotel bill, and instead of doing the logical thing and ignoring it, he saw $$, and his 15 minutes of fame.

COUNTERPOINT
A real shiner of a quote at the end of the article:

The complaint asserts that the practice is not only deceitful, but also wasteful and damaging to the environment.

Hmmm, I'm starting to see the light Rodney. This isn't just about a 75 cent newspaper. This is about all those times that the Hilton Hotels have robbed innocent, non-newspaper reading folks of 75 cents. This is about saving the environment. Forget his car emissions that are causing more harm in one mile than 1,000 newspapers ever will. Forget the fact that the amount of money that Hilton is gouging you for your room rate makes the 75 cents seem like a grain of sand in the Mojave Desert. Finally, the illiterates, the stupids, and the oblivious-to-everything-that-is-happening-in-the-worlds'es from every corner of the country have a hero in Rodney Harmon.

















PEACEFUL SOLUTION
The Hilton can refund Rodney for his newspapers. But for some reason I don't think Mr. Wolden and his cracker-jack lawyer team are gonna settle for that. The Hiltons could keep the newspapers at the front desk, so that way anyone who wants one can go up there and buy one. But some people can't walk more than their driveway's length for a newspaper in the morning, so nix that one too. No, I think the most effective solution would be to spend a ton of taxpayer money on a long drawn-out legal battle that will most likely end in Rodney settling out of court for a sum of no less than $3,000.
















CONCLUSION
This stuff only happens in California.

Naked man makes "Hoarders" seem like a sitcom.

There's a new diet I'm coming out with. It's called the "Hoarders" diet. Simply put, the diet just makes you eat every meal, no matter what it is, how big or how many calories it has, in front of the television while watching the TV show "Hoarders" on TV. You'll never eat another meal again.



















I understand that most of these people suffer from OCD or some other condition, but that doesn't mean it's not disgusting most of the time.

However, a man in South Philly is making Hoarders seem like child's play. Apparently police were called there after neighbors were constantly complaining about the smell at the house and had a warrant to look inside. Once there, they found the resident of the home sitting naked outside the house.

Strike one.

After talking to the man, he claimed he was in the CIA.

Strike two.
The police then looked inside and found a dead iguana in his house, so they decided to investigate.

Officers uncovered some living dogs, eight dead dogs, two dead iguanas, a 4-foot alligator that later died, at least three living turtles, frogs, cats, rats, roosters and even tarantulas

Strike three. and four. and five. and six through 57 billion.

POINT
Wow, where to begin. Animal cruelty is a big issue in this country. I'm no member of PETA or anything, but this story would still probably make a few serial killers sick to their stomach. 8 dead dogs in his house? And where do you get an alligator in a Philadelphia?

The owner was taken to hospital for undisclosed reasons.

Oh really? I wonder why. Was it because he was sitting naked outside of his house? Or claimed he was in the CIA? Or had a zoo of dead animals in his house?

COUNTERPOINT
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm...not really much to work with here. Obviously the man has some mental issues. But the CIA will never confirm nor deny that anyone works for them, so maybe we can give him the benefit of the doubt and say that instead of being a total nutcase that hoarded dead animals in his house he was a CIA agent who turned into a total nutcase that hoarded dead animals in his house.















PEACEFUL RESOLUTION
Jail. Or make him watch a Sixers basketball game. Never let him own another animal again (is that possible? do pet places do animal background checks or anything like that?). Give the guy a bunch of books about animals so he can get his fix and let him hoard those instead of animals.

CONCLUSION
We finally found a bigger idiot in Philly than their sports fans.

Teenagers forbidden from selling lemonade without a business license.

Times are tough. The housing market is down, stocks aren't doing as well as in years past, gas prices are high, and the economy is still in a recession. Ask 100 people why this is so, and you'll probably get 100 different answers.

But one thing that we can all agree on that is DEFINITELY contributing to the crippling economy is...........

Teenage girls selling lemonade on their lawn without a business license.

That's right. In this story out of Midway, Georgia, a small group of 13 and 14 year old girls decided to try to sell lemonade to save up for a trip to a water park. Only one problem:

The girls needed a business license, peddler's permit and food permit to operate, even on residential property. The permits cost $50 a day or $180 per year.

The proud Midway Police Force shut them down and made them pack up shop.

POINT:

Now I've never been Midway, Georgia. In fact, I've only been to Georgia once, and that was just to change planes in Atlanta at the airport. If you're 40 years old and have never had to change planes in Atlanta at least once in your life, pretty sure you don't have a pulse. I'm sure somewhere out there, there's a flight from LA to San Diego that changes planes in Atlanta.

That being said, if the city ordinances in Midway are anything like navigating around the Atlanta airport, they're ridiculous and confusing. Upon reading an article like this, a few questions come to mind: Does the town of Midway really need money this badly? Is the girl competing with the police officer's daughters' lemonade stand? Did the mayor's son ask out one of the girls to the 7th grade dance, only to get rejected? But hey, lets give the Police the benefit of the doubt on something...

Midway Police Chief Kelly Morningstar says police also didn't know how the lemonade was made, who made it or what was in it.

Kelly Morningstar. Unreal name. But anyway, a group of teenage girls drugging lemonade and risking their freedom just to go to a water park? I'd say the chances of that happening are slimmer than the chances of you being able to walk through the Atlanta airport without bumping into 150 people.

COUNTERPOINT:

OF COURSE THE GIRLS NEED A BUSINESS LICENSE!! We can't just go around letting them make money under the table! Thanks to wikipedia, I now know there are approximately 1,100 people living in the city. Now lets logically assume that each person, in the blazing Georgia-down-south-plane-switching-heat buys 1,000 cups of lemonade, at 50 cents a cup, that's $5.5 million that these non-law abiding teenagers gets TAX FREE!!

It's people like this, finding loopholes in our laws, that are the reason this country is in economic shambles. Morningstar had no choice on this one...

PEACEFUL RESOLUTION:

Have the girls secretly give the police 50% of the profits to keep their mouth shut about it. Both parties are happy. The police get an extra quarter in their pocket, and the teenagers will learn a quick lesson on what it's like in the real world when social security and medicare take chunks out of each paycheck for something that will be long defunct by the time they're retired.

CONCLUSION:

If you're driving through Midway, Georgia, don't let your friend have a piece of your gum without a business license, or you will have to face Morningstar...